Why Do You Want What You Want?

We all have our list of things we want in life – great relationships, a nice home, a healthy body, financial security and more.  Have you ever stopped to askwhere your definitions of these goals came from andwhy you want them?

Are those images in alignment with your values, the things you hold most dear?  Or are they based on what you think you should have in this point in your life?  Or are they what someone else expects of you?  Or are you trying to prove something to someone or be better than someone else? Are you trying to re-live some aspect of your past?

Will obtaining the things you want make your heart happy?

Advertising and media are very good at telling us what we should want and have.  Their messages are so slick that we usually don’t even think about whether we really need their offerings.  We just want them – and now.

Like the practice of waiting 30 days before making a “needed” purchase (at which point you usually realize that you don’t even want it anymore), take some time to consider all the things you “need” in your life.

New Understandings

Relationships

I used to think that the perfect relationship was one where there are no fights.  My first marriage went this way and ended this way.  We never fought but we also had no idea how to communicate.  If I did something to upset him, I usually had no idea what I had done.  My only clue that I had done something that hurt him was his silent treatment which persisted even when I asked him what I had done.

My current marriage has been filled with disagreements and I almost ended it because of that, hanging onto my old beliefs.  Another old belief was that, when things get bad you just leave.  Thankfully, my husband is extremely patient and has been there for me as I’ve learned how to communicate and work out our differences.

Through our many conflicts we’ve both grown immensely and we have the happiest relationship ever.

Home

When we went house hunting about 12 years ago, my husband wanted a yurt on 100 acres.  I told him that I didn’t want to live in a tent.  I wanted a nice home.  So we bought a nice home on 20 acres.  My vision of a nice home was a combination of things I read about in many home and redecorating magazines combined with my interpretation of society’s image of a “nice home.”

After experiencing all these years in our nice home, I now want a yurt on 100 acres.  A nice home has too much space to heat, clean and store stuff we don’t really need.  I’ve stayed in a yurt and I know how beautiful and comfortable they can be.  And it’s amazing how inexpensive a yurt is to construct compared to a nice home (goodbye mortgage!).

Health

I’ve created healthy habits over the years to ensure that my body looked and felt like it did when I was in my twenties.  After I hit thirty, though, things didn’t quite work like they did when I was twenty.  And forty brought even more surprises like my first grey hairs and fine lines.  Never mind what giving birth to three children does to a body.  I had to accept the fact that I’m getting older and my body is different.  It will never again be like it was when I was in my twenties.

Instead of trying to emulate the young models, my new picture of health is an older model from the Sundance catalogs (I haven’t seen her in a while) with long, flowing grey hair and a look of peace in her face.  I’ve also had a therapist who fits this description.  I almost fell out of my chair when she told me she was over sixty.

My views of beauty have shifted from what’s on the outside (to live up to society’s picture of beauty) to what’s on the inside.  That look in the eye of a peace within.  The natural glow.  The relaxed nature.  I just want to feel good.  When that happens, I know I’m beautiful.

Finances

In the financial realm, I remember thinking as I got out of college that when my income reached a certain level, I’d be all set and I would never have any issues with money.  Well, my income got to that level and much more and my financial problems only got bigger along the way.  My underlying feelings of entitlement along with some childhood programming (debt is the American way) got me into some pretty big financial problems.

When it became blatantly clear that my financial habits were no longer sustainable, I had to take a long, hard look at the things inside of me that were creating these problems.  It’s like an old saying goes:  Money doesn’t cure problems, it magnifies them.

I began to examine what was behind every financial choice I made.  Why did I really want what I thought I wanted?   Was it so important to have that I would rob my future and go into more debt?

It seems that the issues that we manage to cover up in every other area of our life become more apparent in our financial lives.  Numbers don’t lie.

It was when I faced my emotional issues, looking at them objectively as an outside observer without judgment, and making new, conscious choices in all areas of my life that my financial life turned around.

The Shift

When I started to make conscious choices that supported my values, all areas of my life improved.

Over the years, the “why” behind my desires has shifted from external sources (what society, advertising and the like say that I should want or to please other people) to internal sources (my values, what’s important to me, what makes me happy).

I used to see things and people in my life as never quite right or not enough.   Now I accept what isand I’m happy with what I have in all areas of my life.  With this I’ve gone from a general feeling of uneasiness to a sense of contentment.

Why do we want all the things we want in life?  Ultimately, to be happy.

Are your choices supporting your long-term or short-term happiness?  “Both” is the best answer.  My advice would be to not sacrifice your long-term happiness by succumbing to your desire for the “quick fix” for short-term happiness.

What have been your experiences in this area?  Have you noticed any shifts over the years?

by Paige Burkes

Mindful Relationships: How a New Point of View Can Dramatically Increase Your Happiness

It’s amazing that we humans are so programmed to be social creatures when all we ever think about is ourselves (usually).

We expect others to accept and appreciate us as we are and yet we expect them to be the way wewant them to be.  Not exactly fair.

We expect those close to us to know what makes us happy and do those things on a regular basis.

Whenever we make decisions about how to spend our time, money or energy, we consciously or subconsciously answer the question: “What’s in it for me?”

How happy are you in your relationships with friends, family and your significant other?

I have found a huge correlation between our personal happiness and how much we focus on others.

When we get all wrapped up in our own issues and wonder why someone isn’t beating down the door to help us, we get angry, bitter and resentful.  We blame anyone we can find for our problems.

The funny thing is, as soon as we stop focusing on our own issues and focus on how to make others happy, we get happier.

You have to give to get.  Reap what you sow.

Take a minute right now to notice how you feel about your closest relationship.

the good

What are all the things you love about the other person and the dynamics of the relationship?

Have you told the other person these things?  If so, how often?  If not, make it a point to tell themtoday.  They’ll never hear it enough.

Showing and verbalizing your gratitude for others in your life is a huge win-win.  They’re happy that you notice and appreciate them and their happiness makes you happy.  They keep doing the things that you like because you took the time to show your thanks.

the bad

What are all the things – large and small – that irritate you about the other person or the relationship?

If you just feel a general negative feeling, define what is creating that feeling.  What does the other person do that drives you crazy?

If that person did the same things around someone else, would the other person interpret it as irritating?

You are the backdrop against which you interpret other people’s actions.  Different backdrop, different interpretation.  Something that you find irritating might be fun and quirky to someone else.

the other person

Rather than thinking purely about yourself and how you see the other person, put yourself in their shoes.

Consider their background and life experiences.  Why do you think they do and think the way they do?

Consider your own background.  Why do you interpret their actions the way you do?

How we interpret their thoughts and actions is our choice.  We can choose to love and accept them for who they are or we can allow things to bother us.

Honest acceptance is a major key to happiness.  Not resignation but acceptance.  It’s not always easy but, like mindfulness, it’s a practice that must be practiced regularly for maximum benefit.

my story

My father used to drive me crazy with his barrage of judgmental comments.  It was as if nothing I did was right or good enough.  My interpretation was that he wanted me to still be his little girl who had to do things his way as long as I lived under his roof.  But I was over 30 years old and I didn’t live under his roof and hadn’t for a long time.

I would let every little thing he said get under my skin and make me angry.  I wasted a lot of time talking about this with my husband and I wasted a lot of energy on the whole ordeal.

Then I started to look at things from his point of view.  He grew up in the deep South with a tyrannical mother and quiet father, neither of whom openly showed their love for him.  His mother constantly picked him apart.  In a misguided effort to gain attention, he became a bully.  To “fix” this problem, his parents sent him off to military school which only exacerbated the problem.

I started to see my large (he’s 6’8”), overbearing bully of a father as a sad and angry 12 year old boy who lashes out at the world because he’s not getting the love and attention he deserves from his parents.  He makes himself feel better by tearing other people down and beating them up.

And none of this has anything to do with me.

He’s just doing what he has always done.  I noticed that he does it to almost everyone he’s close to.

When I asked him to notice it and consider how it affects others, he felt threatened and got angry and defensive.  Questioning it is a threat to his very big ego.

Once I started seeing him in this way (as a 12 year old little boy doing the only thing he knew how), it became much easier for me to accept him for who he is.  He has no intention to change and I stopped trying to change him.

Given the negativity that exudes from him, I’ve made the difficult choice to significantly limit my exposure to him.  It has taken some time but it appears that he has finally accepted this.  He used to complain regularly about how I never call him but that has lessened.

We have light conversations once every month or two.  We make no point in visiting each other (he lives half way across the country from me).  And I’m finally OK with all that.

I’ve realized that I’m much happier accepting him for who and what he is.  I have tried many different ways of improving our relationship that all fell flat.  I feel like I’ve done all I can.  It’s a two-way street and he has to want to change too but I’ve discovered that change is extremely threatening for him.  So I let it go.

ask for what you want

If you’re not getting what you want out of your relationships, I have two questions for you:

1. Do you really know what you want?
2. Have you told the other person what you want in enough detail that they can deliver?

You may be thinking: “If they loved me, they would know.  If they cared for me, they would do what I want.”

Man or woman, none of us are mind readers.  You can’t expect someone else to always know everything about you if you don’t tell them.  We all change and we can’t expect others to fully comprehend our changes.

Take responsibility for your own happiness in your relationships.  If you leave it up to the other person, as well intentioned as they may be, you’ll end up disappointed.

simple steps

• Tell those close to you what you love and appreciate about them.
• Take some time to examine aspects of your relationships you’re not happy with.  How can you see things from the other person’s perspective?  How do you contribute to the issues?
• Tell those close to you what you want in a loving way and how they can make you happy.  Follow up by asking them what you can do to increase their happiness.  Help them give you what you want.

You get what you give.  What are you giving?

we are powerful beyond measure

you are beautiful: whether you choose to believe it or not, it is your choice. if you think that you’re ugly, you will feel ugly, when the truth is, you’re not. don’t let anyone tell your otherwise.

5 Ways to Stay Motivated for Long-Term Change

Many changes take a lot of time. Perhaps you’re trying to lose 50lbs, or get out of debt. You might be working on a major project — like writing a book, or renovating a house.

Whatever your goal, you know it’s going to make a big difference to your life. You have plenty of reasons to achieve it … but that’s not always enough.

On a day to day level, it can be really tough to consistently take actions that lead towards your goal. For instance, if you’re aiming to lose 50lbs, your goal might seem so far off that it’s hardly worth skipping dessert today. If you need to pay off $30,000 of debt, then that $5 coffee seems totally inconsequential.

Every big goal, though, is achieved by a whole series of tiny steps. Sure, one dessert doesn’t mean much in the context of your whole diet … but if you end up eating dessert every day, you’re pretty soon going to give up on the diet entirely. Similarly, $5 won’t do much to get you out of debt … but a whole bunch of tiny savings will soon add up.

If you’re struggling to see the long-term picture, try one or more of these five tips:

#1: Write Down Your “Why”

You have a reason to change — probably several reasons. Grab a piece of paper, or open up a document on your computer, and write down exactly why this change is important to you. What benefits are there? What consequences will there be if youdon’t change?

You could list your reasons as bullet-points, if you want, or you could write a few paragraphs describing how your life will be once you’ve achieved your goal. It’s a good idea to write this in the present tense, to help make it more immediate and real.

For instance:

Losing 50lbs means:

• Being healthier & fitter
• A new wardrobe!
• Feeling attractive and confident

Or:

I’m out of debt, and I feel so much happier. I’m sleeping well at night, and little ups and downs don’t stress me out. So many more options are open to me now.

#2: Make it as Easy as Possible

All change requires work … but the easier you can make things, the higher your chances of staying on the right path.

As much as possible, set things up so that making the right choice is the default option. For instance, if you’re trying to save up an emergency fund, set up an automatic transfer out of your checking account every month — that way, you have to take action tonot transfer the money.

It’s worth investing some time and energy at the start of a big change (when your motivation is naturally high) to get good systems in place. If you’re dieting, you could stock the cupboards with healthy food, and work out a few easy and healthy meals that you can cook on a regular basis.

#3: Aim for the Next Milestone

Sometimes, the finish line is so far away that you can’t really see it. Perhaps you’re working on a huge project like a book, and you don’t really have much grasp of when you can expect to finish. Maybe you’ve got a long way to go in order to get out of debt or reach a healthy weight, and it’s discouraging to think of how many months or years it’ll take.

Instead of worrying about the finish line, focus on the next milestone. For instance, if you’re writing a book, your first milestone could be to write the first 10,000 words; the next milestone might be to reach 25,000 words. If you’re getting out of debt, many experts will recommend the “debt snowball” method, where you pay off the smallest debt first, then gradually work your way up.

#4: Build up a String of Successes

Once you’ve started to succeed, do everything you can to motivate yourself to stay on track. One great trick is to put a check mark on your calendar for every day (or every week, depending on your goal) that you take action.

Don’t you ever forget your value.

“You might feel worthless to one person, but you’re priceless to another. Don’t ever forget your value.”

We are all very valuable, and despite what we want to believe as we are faced with the adversity of being lost in the crowd, we have to remember that we have meaning. Trust in the fact that God put you on this earth for a reason. You have to use your faith to not only be alive in life, but you also have to have faith so that you can succeed.

Those who are successful are those who are able to truly see and believe in things that aren’t yet visible to the human eye. Just because your physical senses can’t detect something, doesn’t mean that your spiritual or emotional senses cant detect one. You have to believe, because when you believe you are empowered. You may not be perfect, but you are more than what you were yesterday, and you can be much more tomorrow if you believe in yourself.

what make you a champion ?

It’s Okay To Be Weak Sometimes

 

I was having a conversation recently with a friend about the prospect of having to leave France relatively soon to move to the States. I talked about how sad the whole experience would be — bittersweet, of course, but with a certain emphasis on the bitter — after all that I had constructed here. In so many ways, it has become my home, and contains so many places and people that I will never be able to take with me, who will have permanently created an empty space in my heart. I think often about the day when I will have to actually say goodbye, and my stomach turns over on itself. I don’t want to go.

“Just be strong,” he told me, “It’ll be okay.”

And I thought about this for a long time, what “strength” would actually denote when it comes to such emotional undertakings. In most aspects of life, a certain stoicism about the more difficult things we encounter is considered a positive, a sign that we’re coming into adulthood. But strength is often a very concrete, physical thing. It’s standing upright, it’s holding back a tear, it’s allowing someone to rest on your shoulder by not resting on them. Strength is a kind of resignation to the inevitability of what is happening around you, creating a port in the storm with your reliability in a world that is changing too quickly. When you’re strong, you don’t allow yourself to wallow in any kind of pity, you cut sadness off at the impasse and don’t move an inch.

There is a deep need for strength within us, for someone to reassure us that things are okay when everything is crumbling. We can’t all lean without something to lean on, and if we each hold our heads high just a little bit, everyone has an easier time. I know that to be strong in my situation — as it always has been for things which brought great sadness — is to be quiet, stoic, and appreciative of the positives. I still have my health, my youth, my future. There is good to everything, and to discreetly appreciate all of these things while minimizing the amount of emotion I let escape would be ideal. It would mean that I am strong, and am handling this like an adult.

But is strength, at least in the emotional sense, really always the sign of a deeper maturity? Sure, no one is helped by a complete succumbing to pain, but is there not a place in these moments for a certain kind of weakness? Weakness means crying, yes, but what is wrong with crying? Is it so taboo to be honest in confronting our pain? This weakness means letting others know just how important they are, how much they matter. Part of being weak is telling others, in whichever way we’re capable, that we need them. We are saying that we can’t do this by ourselves, that the love and support of those around us is essential for climbing the more difficult obstacles.

And don’t we want to be needed? Don’t we feel a strange kind of relief when someone around us is able to admit, truly, what is actually wrong — and acknowledge that they need a shoulder to lean on? We berate others for responding “I’m fine” to a “How are you?” when they are clearly anything but. We want them to be honest, because denying there’s a problem is the only certain way never to fix it. And yet, when pain gets too great and we are truly at a moment of emotional weakness, we are supposed to be the strong, silent type? It seems almost unfair to expect of us, at a moment when feeling the full weight of pain is most necessary, to squash it all down into some hidden-away compartment.

The truth is, I want to feel my pain. I want to feel the sadness and the near-burning nostalgia of leaving a place and a people I love, because it deserves it. Everything beautiful that we experience in life, when it suffers or comes to an end, is going to be filled with this kind of aching sorrow. But that is a good thing, because it means that it had significance in your life, that it cannot be easily dismissed like so many other things you let roll off your back. To be sad when the end comes is to pay homage to everything that was great, to all that it gave you, to who you are because of it. And yes, it is “weak” to cry and write letters and talk about your sadness. It is “weak” to rest your head on someone’s chest and welcome being consoled. It is “weak” to focus, at least temporarily, on the pain you feel.

But it is also wonderful. It is a moment in which you feel alive, human, and fully connected to the things that you touch in life. There are few moments where we lose or change or move on from something great, and those moments do make us weak. To be strong and silent in the face of them — to deny that they have touched you and will leave a great absence in your life — is to dismiss its importance. You may find yourself needing the support of friends and family, to be reassured and have your hand held. You may need to be reminded of what is good, and that the pain will subside. You may need to lean on someone. And that’s okay.

One day, someone will need to lean on you. They will have a hurt in their life that makes them feel everything they may have been trying to numb. And that day, you will be strong. Because strength isn’t a quality that we are all expected to embody individually when a bad thing befalls us. Strength is something we all share, that we give and take as needed, that we loan out with the intention of borrowing back later on. And when we are the yin to that yang, when we are crying instead of consoling — that is fine, too. Because a life without sadness and loss is a life without happiness and worth, and we all deserve to feel the full beauty of our lives.

Never Lose Your Passion!

 

Never Lose Your Passion!

Passion is the great equalizer. It can make up for a lack of experience and knowledge. I am not suggesting that you not develop your knowledge or experience – only that until you do, your passion will be interpreted by others as a strong belief in yourself, your mission and your purpose.

 

Passion is different from enthusiasm. The old outworn cliché says “Act enthusiastic and you will become enthusiastic.” I have never subscribed to this philosophy. The reason is that if enthusiasm is an act which you use when things are going well, how do you behave when your life is falling apart? Are you just as enthusiastic about failure, more problems than you deserve and any number of disappointments, frustrations and adversities?

 

Passion is not an act. It is a way of believing. It is woven into your cellular structure just as much as your DNA. Passion – real passion for who you are, what you are selling, who you are becoming and what you believe in. It shouts to the world: “I am here to stay, I am here to make a difference, I will leave my mark in this world. It may take me my entire life, but I will not give up until my purpose and destiny are realized.”

 

Are you in love with where you are, where you are going, who you are becoming and what you are selling? Or, are you living like more than 85% of the population with the attitude, “Same Stuff, Different Day?” If you have lost or are losing your passion for your career do whatever is necessary to get it back.

 

 

Never lose hope in life

This is why you should never lose hope in life (Its a true story)

For 30 years Egyptians have been living in very bad conditions. There was no democracy, people lived in poverty and corruption was everywhere. Many people lost hope in life and were only alive because their religious beliefs prevented them from committing suicide.

On January 2011 one person who had lost hope in life decided to commit suicide by burning himself in public. The man successfully did it and died.

Few days later Egyptians decided to make a revolution and within few days millions were in the streets. Within 18 days the government was changed, the president was forced to resign and hope was restored to all Egyptians.

Egyptians became happy but the guy who lost hope in life and committed suicide never lived to see that day!!

This is why you should never lose hope in life

This guy lived with lost hope for 30 years but in his last days he lost hope completely in life. Had this guy been patient for just 4 days he would have seen the start of the revolution.

Sometimes we give up right before we are about to be victorious just like this guy did. Sometimes we only need to keep standing for few more days before our lives can change to the better.

This is why you should never lose in hope in life!!
How many times have you started something then gave up in the middle without continuing it? What if you were few steps away from reaching your goals? What if you were few days away from getting what you want?

What if you lost hope in life and committed suicide then few days later everything changed!!

How to never lose hope in life

Bamboo trees are difficult to grow. Not because they require extra consideration but because you have to water them for years without seeing any results. In the first few years a bamboo tree grows few centimeters above the ground then in the fourth year it shoots up exceeding the height of all other trees.

What if you lost hope in life few days before your bamboo tree grows? You will stop watering it and it will die!!

In order to reach what you want in life you have to be patient and persistent. Never give up and never lose hope in life in order to get what you want.

And whenever you feel that you are losing hope in life
remember the guy who burned himself
and the bamboo tree that died.

 

How To Get Motivated – 8 Tips to Break Your Motivational Funk

Unmotivated.

Demotivated.

Uninspired.

Call it what you want, we all know the feeling.  Where my goals are concerned, if needed I  am capable of just working through whatever needs to be done regardless of how I feel.  Wouldn’t it be better though, if I could first get motivated and then get to work?  I think so – I work harder, get more satisfaction out of it, and suspect I am more effective when I am motivated rather than just trying to get through a task.

These strategies for getting motivated aren’t silver bullets – there will absolutely be times where you simply can’t get motivated to do something, and have to do it anyway.  In most cases though, I usually am able to use one of these strategies to break out of a motivational funk.

8 Tips For How To Get Motivated Today

• Find Your Mantra or Slogan. A mantra doesn’t have to be long.  Raam’s mantra is taken from Aristotle you are what you repeatedly do.  Raam expanded on it and gave me permission to post the full thing. I love it –

“Get out and do something. Move. Interact. Explore. Breathe. Take a chance.

Stop voluntarily wasting your life. Stop complaining and saying you’re bored. It’s your life. Do something with it.

You are what you repeatedly do.”

• Remember Your Peak Moments. I used to call this being in the zone, but I much prefer the terminology from  Find Your Great Work:  peak moments. These are moments of triumph and they remind me who I am, what I am about – and why I am chasing my unique goals. :

“A peak moment is a time when you felt you were at the top of your game […] Your Peak Moment connects you with that time when you felt most fulfilled, most stretched, most present[…] a moment of insight where you say: yes this is something to remember, this is a moment of me at my most essential, me at my most authentic and best.”

• Do Less. “Make everything count. Whatever you do or keep in your life, make it worthy of keeping. Make it really count.”  – from The Simple Guide to a Minimalist Life, page 8.  I often feel unmotivated when I feel like I am carrying the world on my shoulders, and because of this completing tasks doesn’t actually make me feel good – it just makes me feel anxious and worry “what’s next?”  Simplify. Let go of commitments.  By making room in my day for the things I want to do, I am much more motivated to get started on them – and I don’t worry about a large to-do list that’s waiting for me.
• Nip It In The Bud – Don’t Let The Slump Start.  Often for me it’s the little things that lead to a motivational slump.   It’s skipping one workout to hang out with friends, then two.  By the next week, in the back of my mind I’m already rationalizing why today is a bad day for the gym – there is so much momentum working against me that it’s hard to get started again. Don’t fall into that trap – recognize theactivities you do to procrastinate, and nip it in the bud. Take action right away, no matter how small the victory, and use that momentum for further tasks.
• Get Active.  I have only empirical evidence to back this up, but I’ve found that when I’m not exercising, my other goals suffer as well. I’m not sure where in the process the magic is, but there is absolutely some relationship between productivity, running, high-energy workout music and a refreshing shower afterwards. While I don’t understand the interplay between all of them, taking a break and running for half an hour can change my perspective and get me motivated to go again.  In fact, often while I’m running I get inspired, and am tempted to cut my break short to get back to work.
• Remember This Moment Is Precious – And Only Here For Today.  Sometimes when I’m not motivated to do what I know needs to be done, I remind myself that if I waste this opportunity, this one chance, I’ll never get another.  My minutes, hours and days come around one time – and it’s up to me to live the life I want, right now.
• Dream.   I really enjoyed Jonathan’s book Reclaim Your Dreams, and came away from it with renewed motivation to work hard for some of my true long range dreams.  This may just be semantics, but I always feel like the word “dream” is more liberating than “goal.” I enjoy having and day to day focus on my goals – they tend to be concrete, discrete and (for me) more short term.  Dreams remind me why I’m focusing on short term goals – you may have a goal of visiting Australia, but you dream of traveling the world.
• Use Daily, Consistent Motivation.  constant encouragement and motivational thoughts,
• Remind Yourself.  be reminded daily to be motivated and keep moving forward towards your goals.